wat a nite

so ere it goes...hmm dunno where to start...ok...

c...is 3 am again....y must it everythign happen in 3am...gosh...
anyway...
it was todya that ** tok bout c' (**'s ex)
** was worried nowadayz...n i dunno what ** worried about...& so i decided2ask ** if c' noes bout ** blog..and ** say yes...i was thinking to tell ** bout my blog d wna ler...coz i feel like i dare to write this blog but i dun dare to let ** know..i feel so bad to talk bout ** without ** knowing...is so unfair for **...but as i wanted to tell **, ** add on....and somehow the thigns ** added on, made me hold back my intention...


**added on saying that ** told everything to c' and somehow closed file...but seems like y'day they started 2 hv prob again...yea i bliv its gonan b liek tis coz, is nt ez to say closed file then just closed like that.. n ** started to say that ** make things worse...coz c' doesnt talk to ** anymore, nto like it used to be b4 dat where they tok about everything..c' will talk to ** when c' doesnt like ** often go out with **'s fren's fren...and c' will call ** and tok to ** rite ere rite now that kinda thing...and after all this good thing that happen...as in their relationship is getting better, in a sudden ** brought up somethign that ** thinks that it make thigns worse...
[seeing ** so upset n worried n frustrated, i do not wanna see ** in this way...i've tried to b a listener n if possible, i wish i could help them~ nto trying to b an angel or heroin of the day..just for some reason i just want to b a gd listener though...but is this da rite thing for me to do? u'll c later!]

to cut thigns short....
truout the convers, i knew dat ** love c' so deeply and it eventually make me feel liek a total idiot..i'd tell them so many times dat "y nt get back togeda...get back togeda lerh..." soudns ez to say huh....but ** said that c' dun want to...coz c' exclaimed dat she's ez to fall for somebody& so she do nt wanna get back togeda n dat break up with ** again...[da evil side of me will think dat "yea rite.." coz..i mean..hw true can she b..well i bet everyone will say im the evil 1...haha...coz is alwiz those pity 1 got sympathized frm others..]

i feel dat somehw c' is nt bad at all..since she alwiz called ** to move on...but ** said that c' didnt also moved on..sow atz this....alwiz c' letting ** noe indirectly hw cham is she...n ** said that she wont moved on and whatzmore..c' gettign not enuf sleep,cannot really sleep, she go n get drunk, n said that moday she'll gonan hv test...worried she'll gonna get drunk n she was sick aso dunno she still sick anot, dat day cried for 3 hr ont he phoen with **...** said she very cham...all alone in aus, no1 to tok the problem with, oni tok to 2 psn...

so.....all this...i can surrender myself...of hw innocent she is...hw weak she is...but hey...hey....so she's nt getting enuf sleep huh..what about me? do u think i canr eally sleep?...im even worse i hv insomnia..n all i do was popping pills to amke myself sleep...n coz of 1 word u've said...i stop popping it..do u ever remmeber saying that?...i bet no... i ruined nt oni my exam..but my studies too since the day u murdered me...n at time when i was damn sick, hv u ever send any regard? bt to call me out though i've sadi that...im sick...but i sill accept ur offer, n for few moment, u oni said that im seriously so sick?..at taht moment..i nearly wanan screamed out loud...bt all i do is say "yeala" n smile!?...n u're telling me u alwiz put on a fake smile..so do i?..n c' cried for 3hrs! whoa wat a big deal...n da day u say that to me...i cried for almost 9 hr...i could rememebr...i lied on my bed...dunw anna get up..i tot i go to coach the minimitez n dat i wil forget everything...but i cant...i broke down as im coaching..i was embarassed..bt i tried my very best to keeps miling n nt to make evryone worried...soon iw ent home...i lied on my bed again...tears jsut rolled down so swiftly..i dried my tears...till my eyes was red liek flame!..sis askign wat hapepn...i said nth...just pain..swollen..bt deep down i noe she noe wat happen...bt im glad she understand...n leave me alone...my eyes became so swollen...i didnt eat much..went out dinner with family reluctantly...n still dad askign em why...i said it jsut swollen...i looked horrendous...ad all this shit, who am i to let anyone noe?...i eman who ever knows about it? i got no1 to tok to...at taht very moment i so need someone to share my toughts...my besties was in NS...n all i can do was this...blogging...i blgo n blog n blog...i became soembody who will oni express everythign thru blogging...frm that day..my tempered changed...sis hated me, i lose faith in God, i screwed up my studies, im neglecting my health, i more than a dead person...one thign i for sure still clear about is...i will nt gonan take drug or drunk myself...coz i think this is a waste of money n effort...silly thigns t do....but is hard for me..coz my brain still workign well n i just hope that ic an sleep all the time...but yet evrynite...i waited for ** online...
so ** siad that ** often wait for c' offlien oni ** will offline...
i realiesed...i ddi the same to...n what the h...i'm actaully being liek **....
mathwmatically saying...c' is in pain but ** is twice the pain fo ehrs n im like triple the pain tahn theirs...get it?...
the thigns i lose to them is that they've been liek almost hw many yrs d? n ** waited for yrs...and what am i?..im just 5mth of mending my wounds...n spending with ** for oni few dayz? i mean i dowanna said this to myslef but seriosuly it so obvious that i gotta "F**ked ofF"...

i was upset not coz ** break up wif me...im upset coz the relationship ended up coz our relationship hv never got any worth!(mou ga jik) is NEVEr...i felt so betrayed..i was the dummies all da time...im so hollow..im such a kelefeh int his whole drama!...mayb i hate pp l who lied to me...n y **?...y the psn who lied is u...the torn that poke in thru my heart have been taken out recently..bt the scar ive obtained..remains there...n never eprfetc anymore...i feel dissatisfied with me having that scar u noe...(too deep?) so im indeed put no impact on ** but all the time...im killign myself with my own softly n the impact ...is all backfired on me...
y is ay so?...isnt it so obvious...they're meant togeda n y shud i b so stupid to involev myself in...this is their prob..i shud've just dun care rite...bt y i care?..ahte myself weyh...

it makes me bliv that im a leo so mcuh..i eman i dun really bliv in horoscope bt so true for me to deny it....leo si so loyal n never wanna giev up....im mysterious...is nt as simple as u think...i take LOVE seriously....

allt he while ** online coz just wanna tok to c'......
so im very sure that ** nvr love me b4 though ** said that ** did... (i wnated to scold her so badly for syaing that..coz is total nonsense n bullshitting me?)
i guess ** think that i can hand;le it and im ok rite now...coz i didnt act like c' does...all i cans ay that....i swear that my situation that i go thru is much much more harder than both of u...though most of u all will say "aiyah u aso break up logn time d samo gam chign nt say evry deep aso...shud b ok la"
haha...
if i nvr confessed to **...it hink i would b ok...mayb i acns till loev ** secretly till now....we can still b da fren we sued to b b4 dat...but...all these juts like fated....happen to b a twist...i've asked u nt to cnfessed to em coz ure impulsive...didnt i?....n u're so sure...u sos ure..saying that u really do want me...n u've been tellign c' that u found me bla bla bla...so all this...u're givign em hope...the hope that i swear i dun wanna hv it in my life...LOVE~....i swear that iw ont gonan b in any relationship anymroe...n U...u regained my hope...n once agin u take it back...i hit..i hit myself..i blame i blame myself...im sorry i sorry for myself...thoguh i noe the relationship we're in..will tn last long...bt u neo wat..."cheong tung bat yu duin tung" this 6 words..can aso means "duint ugn wui dou hei gang tung"...tai duin elrh...is like u're putting a 100 degree wtaer into a 0 degree case...n the glass broke imemdiatly....this is hw my herat felt...i break into pieces...i toook this pointless risk...im putting my life n my soul at risk...n now is all crushed...evryone tot im evil...id un care...bt every evil ppl hv their story...n just no1 ever know...

all that c' said...hit me damn hard inside my heart....i hate her so badly nt to deny it....i am..i hate...coz i just vfeel she's alwiz so fake...n makign me to b the baddist...i mean si fine now...im used to it...n i noe ** gona kill me for saying her this...well i dun mind..i mean i jsut wanan say..if u love someone...u wont want to let the person u love worried or being sad...u have to show that u're movign on eventhough u're not...coz u;re nt moving on thatz y ** aos njt moving on...so whatz the point?..stop beign so childish...i can bet i can b so matured that u realyc ant imagien it..if u love ** tell ** n dun give so amny stupid reason..coz ur;e afraid bal bla bla n in the end u acting so strange n cham n ** started to worried for u....n if u say dunw anna get along with ** d...den can u plz hv a 100% ready b4 u siad that?...n for **..if u noe c' love u can u plz tell ehr that u dun mind to b hurt one day since she's ez to fall for anyone? ....rite nwo i dunno wat i wanna say...just feel like ..im betrayed, angry, n sad...i wanna hv abig laugh on myself for being the person who got no benefit fr it...all ive gt is the backfired on me...such a dummies...that ** can play around...

but i do wnat them to b togeda....coz i dun wanna see ** sad and worried....im such a joker...hw can i help them ...hw can i stahnd ** saying the prob with c' n i pretend nth at all...im just so good...i rather i myself hv all the blame...den letting ** noe bout wat i go thru...all ** realized is im a optimistic erson n that i will b ok wif it n c' no..c' is emotional weak n need ** protection...hw lovely...im too good....mayb is god that ppl think im evil...coz i memang wanna b evil1....
last nite aso...i prayed to God...n i hope God will answered my prayers soon....God hv made me stand strong till now...really is amazing hw God bw ith me whenevre i started to get weak again...n ging thru everyday life....amen!
nt to b forgotten...my frens too lately....(u neo who u r)

is my last n final time i wish i am dat i cried as hard as i could....plz...i want it to b my last time...i dun wanna cry for ** anymore....