please dont do this to me

2/10:
today is ur bday~dont wanna spoil ur mood~u wanna dow ateva u want~i wont move a single move~just can hide evrything i feel and see and wanna do~i know that i shud let go sicne long time ago~evry single time~i try to be so optimistic~i've tried my best to b the fool u wan me to be~i try to do all i can~but the rpely i get from u~never on my side~day by day, i fail to make u happy~in return, u were so sad that caused me to b extremely sad~who am i and wat am i~evrytime i read ur blog~just cant bare it~yes i envy~jealousy indeed stikes on me!~i don ask for it u noe~is coz i love u~no matter wat u did to me~whther or not all that u said before~true or false~i never mind about it~i know today the person u wan to present is not me but her~im not sure u're happy or not~u said u're happy~i just hv to agree~mayb u r~im nt sure~from wat i found~u're nt ~this makes me feel as if im a disturbance~wateva i do~u alwiz misunderstood me~im making things complicated for myself~as i thought bout u~i cant help~but my spirit is so low~i can just surrender myself to the devil~but evrytime when im gonna surrender~God held His mighty hand n live me up~im so tired~letitng me fall and pulling me up again n again~tot that fate is with us~coincidence, feeligns,happiness.. darlin all this is true~it is true that we're nt meant to be togeda~even i hv said to myself~how long ive known u~couple of dayz~n we're togeda~all this is just puppy love!~but y do i still cry for u~still miss u~when we're togeda, i din ever care about u n her~becoz i trust u~i bliv that u r true to me~i know~i know im nt good enuf~i know that i cant challenge with her~but onvious~u're avoidng me~if den~y din tell me~it hink too much~datz all uw ill say~if u don tell me~n keep me hanging halfway~i relaly cant figure out wat can i do~but as i c today~past ur bday~its almost like the end...~it happens that once ur bday apst~it rain so heavily~was the sky cryign for me?~was it indicating that itz time for me to erased u~n when it's time for me to make my move~to even call u out as a fren to watch movie~at that very moment u got a job~n now u're working~testimonial i send to u~being ignored~i tried to book a bbq area for u to held the party that u wan nt oni for u but aso for ur fren~i tried my very best asking my aunt againn agian~many times but i still dont mind~bt ended up fulyl book~n now u finall still on that party bt for mooncake festival!~u invite me im glad~bu it happens that my grandma having "dai yut zhi" dat need to b there~n i can tgo...~all this..~as i said previously bout the fate we have~have taken back~"yuin fan yi ging goh yut duin lok"~"yuin fan yi jun" ler~i donno hw long i can keep on lockign myself frm contacting u~all i know is~ive wasted lotsa tears for u~and dat it'll gonna b worse day by day from now on~i may be the first person who die due to overcrying~who knows~and nt many people know im a cry baby huh!~i didnt said that im strong though~sometiems y do i blog?~is nt coz i jsut wanna write it n let pl to pity me for the way i am~i write blog because soemtimes words just don come out from ur mouth..~and when u're in need of a fren to b there for u~nt allt he time they'll b there~though they'll gonan pick up ur call without anger or frustrated or annoyed at bout 4am~somehow, i just know that i shudnt disturb my fren coz of my prob~when im happy iw ant them to b happy with me~but when im sad, i do not want them to b sad with me~it is big diff with hearing frm someone's voice then to just read~when read, ppl can decide whther to reply or not, they just readddd~but when u hear frm that eprson, it's just hard to respond soemtimes n causing ur fren to feel like dunno wat to say~thus, blogging is 1 wya for me to vomit out everything i wanna say at that time~the negative feeligns that iw anna let it out!~i don expect reply or comment ~but a lil responds sometiems helps alot~today i went to learn baking from my fren...~and i just feel dat it shud b on sunday that i make this cake~i thought that i willl get to make it at least b4 12 on the day b4 ur bday~but c..is just fail againnnnnnnnnn~i alwiz got no courage~im nt brave to look at u~im nt brave enough to elt thigns go~bliv it or not, the same day the way my captain's bf did to her was extremely shoicking to me because the idea is same as mine~i saw my captain reveiving the cake by her beloved~so happy~and my mind thought~will u b dat happy?~i really doubt~n from then i just hv this thinking that if the cake not make by me but her, u'll b obviously happier~that will even crush me down~so mayb God just help me out~protecting me from being hurt again~hw to end this i seriously i swear i do not know~