right kinda wrong

havent been updating my blog these dayz. was bz with all my examinations and assignments. so tired cos last nite did nto sleep at all just to rushed my assignment and study the last minute for my chemistry and economics. and today i end up answering all these damn thing badly. so is kinda annoyed me as i actually so stupid that i force myself to study without getting to sleep but yet is effortless. well i guess im the 1 to be blame as i study last minutes. its time again to say sumthing about **. ya ya is boring! bt still i gotta say sumthing. ha ha. just feel puturbed couple dayz ago as i found out that ** no longer need me and this feeling's sux. n den i will begin to reminiscing back the time ** confessed to me and all the things (dat basically all r fraud) that ** told me. just makes me feel so sick of ** and wanna puke. felt like there's 2 person in me. i can be this and i can be that. i couldnt figure out who i am at times. it worried me somehow as i think i mite have some psychotic imbalance or deasease symptoms like that. shit! im gonan be insane soon. degup* degup* basically as i recall back wat ** said before. i will questioned why alot and i mean ALOT. yea coz y ** confess to me at th efirst place. and there's lots more why. deep down in my heart, i seriously do not noe how to let go. i love ** more than ...more. though u c, i tot i can overcome my prob. but though i've not been contacting or hanging out with ** i still cant letgo. moreover as my uni getting more occupied, i seldom online and was a good way to avoid myself from keepign in touch with ** so often. just to let myself engrossed in studies and to forget about her.also to make myself feel stronger. but still it oni helps oni a wee bit. tryign to find other way. still trying...how true am i? well i can say is less than 100% definitely. but who is 100% true? i believe everyone do kept their evil part deep deep down their heart.grins* well everyone has their own secret lerh. datz y there's this word "secret" int he dictionary. buti've been almost 80% true to 1 fren n my mum. both of them is the one that i seek when i have problem. thanks to them i can still b alive now. u just cant handle everythign all by urself. u need at least soemone to help u out in ur life. but to find someone who u really trust is totally like finding one in a millions. but i swear when the time im with ** i've been so true to **. useless anyway.

so good..not so good

yesterday was really surpried! ** called me..finally for like 2dayz i didn't talk to ** in msn coz ** cant connect..this is what makes me so happy caused ** called me!! the not so happy part was when i knew that ** recalled me caused ** was bored..and all i knew is that, when ** was bored only then ** will find me? this is so hurt... yau si jau jugn mou yim mou si jau ha yign chuin..this phrase really suits **...but anyhow..the calls ease myself from missing her dat much though!

nowadayz i dunno wat im up to..life seems to b so sucky..nothign except studies..my bestest fren, jo gonna start her college soon..this frm wat i predict..definitely not a good idea..as im not sure whether will b so closed as b4..i hope not n i seriously dunw an that to happen...ia lwiz tot that i will not have a logn lasting fren..i will die in between the loneliness that i once b..

i wished to spend time more wif my frenz..but the uni life is seriously a barrier for me..i need to get otu of it in order to free myself..im sorry gurls i dunmean to stop keepign in touch wit u all..but someitmes i relaised u alls eems to b bz too...** is enuf to make me screwed up...i dun wan my fren to caused me such frustration n dilemma too.. it seems recently just so silence...specially my phone..less msges, less calls, less relplies...mayb u all tot it'll disturb me..bt i must say no...calls, msges, hangign out n stuff n most importantly u all r my fren..ima lwiz welcome to response to u all...i hope to hear from all u guys soon...at least let em feel ur presence!..so dat ahaha i neo u all r still alive...

dead broke

urgh! first day of mega sales! n i realised my wallet is just so pathetic..rm20++? my goodness..am i dat broke? wat did i spent?..wat abig spender i am now..hmm...spot so many nice n cheap stuff...0_o ....last night i just view ** profile n guess i found sumthing which is so odd to me..y is there aint c* in ** list anymore? wat happen? seriously i wanna noe watz wrong but i just dun hv the courage to ask **..total madness in me now.. dunno wat to do.. i just cant leave this mystery just like that..but sometimes it just...sigh~..

i have black circle under my eyes now..havent been sleeping enough..but well since i noe ** i cant sleep so early..im just so addicted to the com..noe y? coz i've alwiz wanted to c ** online & that i eventually will b so delighted n i just really feel like seeing a rainbow after rain! well, guess ** is my sunshine and darkness as well..** is my sunshine when ** can makes me put on a smile on my face..darkness will b the sorrow n pain that pouring out in my mind while im talkign to **..tonite..** is nt ere..bt silly enuf..i waited...somehow my heart longs for it..though i physically refused n dun wanna give a damn on **..

i think i noe y my sis so concerned bout me..ims o stupid enuf to actually type my blog in the search bar..n dat i think she read it..well earlier on i edi suspected her to noe watz goin on with me n **..just dat she din make it obvious n i think she dun wanna noe aso as it is disgusting..but i really glad that she din really like make a commotion towards me or sumthign lidet..this is just my thoughts lerh..not so sure...but the time when im with **..we're in my hse..sis came back...gosh! was terrified..i mean both of us..but she seems like din notice anythign so all of us just act cool!..seirously she ruined my moment with **....ahaha..miss ** so so so so f-ng much....where r u?..

the time with u was just so great n awesome..is like im living in a world that has no frustration..and all i have is just smile on my face n though living in our colourless world but it is ideal n good enuf...this is our life i say..i foudn it...bt ocoz i never beliv in long lasting love...i dun bliv in marriage..but i hold on to my philosophy which is..appreciate n cherish every single moment..n is just ridiculous to actually think the future for u cant foresee thigns..i really do remember allt he things we did togeda n share togeda..still vividly stored in my mind..dat is y is just so hard to delete it though i've tried...i've heard frm sumwhere...they said dat.."everything happens with a reason"...so i will just ready to wait what happens next..everythign will b fine unless i end up my life just like that which is so stupid! yeah..we live coz of love actually...without love...u think u can survive?..liek fmaily love ..friendship love...lover's love..all this love is wonderful...but like police n thief..there's alwiz good n bad..coz there's God n Devil..so no matter how nice th elove can give..there surely b hurt once in a while...i really admire those ppl who make it thru their mmortal love!..is like 1 in a millions who wil succeed!..i really wish dat my prnts hv a success marriage...but it seems not...so it somehow take away part of my trust towards relationship...peeps often say im just too lonely n dat i just need company thats y imwith **...i can swear im not...itz been very long since my 1st break ups...n to trully bliv some1 n love again..is like nvr comes to my mind at all...din think about it at all...until i've found **...** indirectly changes me..first time i ever felt the the strong feelings like i cant live without ** n i want ** so badly...u noe wat i mean? i noe wat im doin n i din do it impulsively...i swear!..i did ask ** so clearly bout not to just confessed to me coz ** is inpulsive at taht moment...n ** so clearly state dat ** not...n ere u go...stabbing me with ur own hand..i;ve move the worng step once again..i hoep i can b a better n betetr person...after all this shit..ive got no more tears to shed anymore...** the oni person that i cried for so many times...hurting me the worst...n i love the most..bt rite ive edi let ti go...bt i din...i let go n i take abck..let go n tak eback...failure i am...i admit...justw ondering y she doesnt put an effort to mend my broken heart?...so cruel to let it bleed jsut like that...now dat i noe..bcoz u live, i live...

feedback

looking at one of my fren who's having problem with her uncertainty and having complicating and confusion in her own perspective, bt yet doesnt know what's goin on or wat she want.makes me catch the reflection of someone that i tot have been goin thru this situation b4. guess no1 understand wat im trying to say coz me myself dun really know how to express it. "false hope". datz wat this fren found in her sms. whether i know wat it means? well i cant say i know wat it truely means but from my point of view. i understand but it doesnt apply to everyone. but it seems to me that false hope i've been encounter b4. not wanting to elaborate furthermore for it is somehting that u dun wanna noe coz is just my thoughts of it.n it mite coz u to think elsewhere. complicating huh?
rite now im poring out my thoughts that i have now.datz y i cant really write logically or vividly. im supposed to b studying rite now. just thinking of posting for awhile n im off with my hardcore studies!

i lost my sense since few mth ago. i wish rite now my sight is clearer though have been blurred out for quite sometimes. often im thinking that im the most "cham" person in the world. so bullshit! yes i noe. but i lost my sense n logical state of mind. so i really need to get out of this thought soon. coz is liek eating my flesh bit by bit. i seems to be exxagerating but i swear im not..im like..u noe.."fan jin!" is not just simply fan jin..but a total fan jin which is worse than wat u expected. i need to get soem peace n really stop thinking of so many things. im letting everything ocme n go naturally..though it seems to b really slow but i think it's my best choice that i have. challenges just begin. n im not ready to face it yet.but there's no delaying. God, what r You , Father LOrd of Lord, trying to tell me. or trying to get myself into?

~off to studying~

unwanted feelings

owh great..again..feeligns towards ** is back..
noooo...gosh!
miss you more..
and yes now i seriously feel the uneasy feelings that is wrappign aorund me rit enow..
speechless at now..cant think of anything to write..

just wanna say...
i havent study for my exam..havent finished up my assignment..total lazy bump..alwiz procrastinating thigns..im so dead...die die die..

thank you mum..

finally!
my mum called me..waited for ages for her to called! n i was really desperate to let he rknow watz th eocndition im in rite now..n yes i did tell ehr lotsa thigns mainly about my studies n myself..surprisingly i din mention **.. mayb coz i think is no poitn now to actually still hold on to **. anyway, as i was saying, during the conversation with my mum, i realised alot of thigns n dat i made several decision that i never thought that i will make such decision that i actually take a deep breath n in such an abrupt, my decision pops out my mind. i hope i dun regret.for now, im nt regretting anythign yet..haha..im so touched by the thigns that my mum told me..my tears suddenly flows out..nt just few drops bt liek rivers of it..ahaha..never in my life actually thought that my sisters r so concerned about me int he first place. i feel like son of a bitch to alwiz think that my sisters are the worst creature ever living int his world..coz i alwiz think that day dont support me or so their part as sister..in short, just not my ideal sis..however, myt hought chaneg towards them..after my mum told me that they actually reportt o ehr that they're worried bout me?..omfg, i am seriously touched..though it may seems like no big deal but do u noe such concerened that they hv in their heart..really rare for me.in my opinion. they even questioned hw tired i am n that theyw anted to ask me but just that they dun dare to coz i alwiz bhave like their intention was nvr real. n dat they dun wanna make me unhappy coz they noe that wateva they say i hate it as it will nvr a nice advice!..im serious. well they actaulyl realised it huh. but deep down in my heart.iknew wat they meant. n wat they actaulyl trying to say. im easily offended sumtimes even the mild thigns that they say.i will think another things.datz y we can nvr b compatible. rtie now i feel liek huggign them! seriosuly i feel so bad that i cant do anythign but to cry for wat i did..im so evil! im jsut so wrong. i'd nvr felt such a warm caring moment b4..<3

last nite was another good day for me as i get to tok to ** for quite long..hehe..there's no emotional situation or aura at all..btu today..jsut seems so cold..said nothing at all..though i feel abit uneasy towards such circumstances.but well.not the first time..i really hoep i encounter even worse problem so that i could overcome the pain n hurt that i endure for all this while..i think i meantioned it b4 dat, ** doesnt being cnsistent b4..it is alwiz changing n im in a dilemma..** send sumthignt o me n i noe that ** wanna tell em sumthing.. i noe n i understand. ir eally do.. if u oni believe me. n trust me.

Gosh my bday si comeing soon. not that im upset wif it but is somehow bothers me. liek i'll b added 1 age.ahah..n think about who'll gonna brightened up my day.. seems like alwiz on my bday.. things doesnt seems to b much workign ont he right way..mayb is a curse..well i hate to mention it but i think it mite b..but i enjoy the time i celebrate my bday wif frenz n sis!..they're allt he while who celebrate wif me..oni once that is special which is bout my ex..but well dat doesnt seems to putany memory in my brain..ahahah...

i love you

Yeah

The sun is shining everyday

The clouds never get in the way for you and me

I've known you just a week or two

But baby I'm so into you

I can hardly breathe

And I'm in So totally wrapped up

Emotionally attracted

So physically acting

So recklessly I need you

So desperately sure as the sky is blue

Baby I love you

I love you

I never knew that I could feel like this

Your so cool

If I'm dreaming please don't wake me up

'Cause baby I can't get enough of what you do And I'm in

So electrically charged up

Kinetically acting

Erractically need you

Fanatically you get to me

Magically sure as the sky is blue

Baby I love you

I can't believe That this is real

The way I feel Baby

I gone head over heels

And I'm in

So totally wrapped up

Emotionally attracted

So physically acting

So recklessly I need you

So desperately sure as the sky is blue

Yeah

And I'm in

So electrically charged up

Kinetically acting

Erractically need you

Fanatically you get to me

Magically sure as the sky is blue

Baby I love you

Baby I love you

Do you love me too

Baby I love you

perubahan

bilalah ku akan lupakan semua hal masa tu...tak pernah ku alami situasi begini. keperitan yang berterusan. sehingga ku sekarang dah malampaui batas tersebut. macam dah kejang. tiada rasa. tiada reaksi. inilah yang dikatakan kesedihan yang sangat sukar untuk diatasi...urgh! so hard to write in bm...haha.(scratch that) ...........
i read back my space. specially the april. cant help it but im cryign now. so shitty. cant i just shut the fucked up. im so sorry i couldnt. i cant help it.bt seriously i read back. n i c the b4 n after. how my life had taken away. in just not even a week. im so lousy shit. why do u did this to me. why. yeah u told me indirectly. u said that its ok to sad for 1 or 2 day. i've tried my ass out. how dissapointing, i din succeed.i realised how my pain...started frm tung to satusfaction to hurt to death to live and back to hell. u c dat? u c da cycle in my blog. im a total sinner. i was wrapped with all the torns. it shud let it go. if i wan my soul back. btu i stayput. so strongly. i never stopeed struggling.which
leads to even more tangle.more scars. hard to b cure anymore.night is my nightmare. so silence so empty.so lonely. the calmness is where the devils start to act. no1 to call for help. so, i comfort myself...bit myself: stop crying..itz ok..
im so pathetic. im nt blaming anyone else. i know it serve me rite. for i din elt go. i din accept the reality. i still hold ont o my faith. to my believe. that miracle will happen..i still recall evry single words u told me dat day. i still rememeber dat i actaully say sumthign dat coz me to b so near but yet so far. a simple n sentimental question. im very happy for the response u gave. the touch of ur hand, i'll never...no never...forget....n the special fragrance u have. it presence in my surroundings all the time..somehow's like a panacea for me..
listening to 988. Cf realli do say sumthing true.. we're not meant to b, then is better to let it go..

stash

wonder how i am. hiding away. avoiding the days. like there's no other way. reality defining a harsh, tough &malaise situation. again im rantering. i just have to say it out. if not i guess im worse than it is now. ** hv been giving all up on me. i could c through ** friendster. our relationship is no longer complicating. we go our own way now. mayb ** happy with the way ** is now. and so i noe that i should learn frm ** too. frenz alwiz call me to move forward. nvr turn back. i take it for granted all the time. im so stubborn n naive at the same time. it is like killing my momentum of my life. however, evry single day ** never out of my mind. but i have no longer feeling like as if i wanna die just coz of lil things. really thanks to my frenz & God. im so unpredictable that i, myself also dont know wat il'll do next. i seems like having different faces. som ask me b4. whether im a pianist? nop! chinese literate? nop! smart? hell no! but then when they know me better. oni then they realised im crazy. full of crap.blursome. haha...normally all the unexpected thigns out of me. so out of topic! haha. k recently i saw this quote. i love it so much. haha. it says "Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely." so hard so hard to let ** go. but i have to. coz ** have given up on me. no longer long for me. itz time for me to say datz it. enough i've said. bt this is not the end. as i still love **. not sure till when. all i know for now is that u're the oni one who i've really love n u make me trust in miracle n love do exist in this world again. but again, u make me treat love as something that is like almost hypocrite to me. shall not have fall in this kinda things anymore.it is toxic.im discouraging myslef. but this for others. dun listen. love is something really wonderful. is really the happiest thign u ever feel when u found a person that u love n u get to love each other.bt nvr forget that. it will aso hurt u even more if u heartbroken. this is if u're unlucky like me. there's somethign i wanna say to **. i think well. let me think of how to start first lerh. but i noe i dun hv the courage to say. just wanted to write it out. as if i've said that. haha silly me.

depleting

gosh, i woke up late today. damn late. is like i start my car round 7.45am n my class starts at 8am. bt manage to arrive at 8.05am.chun leh. rite now im in uni. nothign to do. im so stress. missed my practical n gotta replace it. n now still doing my reports. oh no sooner the G.O. will finds out that i lying to them. haihz dunno watz wrong today. i got saman again. dammit. im so fan. * online n *seems to write something so weird that im so worried n my thought kept working again. cant * just open up to me. a sudden change n mistreat me. really caused me lotsa pain n frustration. i noe im not anyone to u. but..sigh..wateva. say others jin. * nt exceptional also. watz so funny with hearing girls with brains n beauty but yet got con by guys? for me this not stupid is just genuine. they're true. well is common that da person once heartbroken, they dun hv the appetite to eat. and yes. i used to b 1 of them.

----

wrote this 2 dayz ago bt din post it coz i tot it is nothing to say...so..well...ahah..at elast is still sumthing..bt that day really kinda pissed off..

menghitung hari

i stare at my face almost everyday. well it may seems nt a big deal.bt no.it is a big deal. as i look at my bloody fool face. i was much of meditating myself.haha..like im callign my soul to get otu of my body n comment on me. i smile.i forwned. i act stupdi.it just seems that i hate myself more n more. i hate who i am when actaully i shud b who i am. n proud to b me. hey guys noe wat.i finally hv my emotions back. i get back my tears.is nt dry anymore. i listen to seevral song. im touched. n im heartbroken. i dun wanna b sensitive.seriously i hate it. sometimes im so superstitious to think that i somehow living in karma n i sina lot. bt GOd sent some1 to tell me that. nt exactly tell me bt rmeind me the thigns that He has once taught me. if He can touched unlimited ppl's heart, i hope one day i will touched * heart. no no no. this is nt wat iw ant. the biggest thing that i wish i could succeed is to touched many ppl's heart. i wish that ppl aorund me is happy. n dat i will b contented for i have this ability.hw i wish i could. knowing that i dunno when, where, how, what i will gonna b happy.but as long as i could make others happy.my life hv been the fullest den. easy to say hard to do. coz rite now. no matter hw much sacrifices i give or making myself such terrible. * doesnt seems to care or appreciate it. so wat for wasting my effort. but.but. im stubborn person.giving up normally never come into my mind. and leo is loyal. guess many ppl dun understand leo. they doesnt come n go easily. bt is passionate n true.so true that it live their life riskily. just imagine lions.hw they survive. never innocent. try every way n means to stayput as king! like this "If I could tell the world just one thingIt would be that we're all okAnd not to worry because worry is wastefuland useless in times like theseI will not be made uselessI won't be idled with despairI will gather myself around my faithfor light does the darkness most fearMy hands are small, I know,but they're not yours they are my own & I am never broken" i know in the very end. iwill not possessed *. bt i achieved somthign that is so big n precious. the unconditional LOVE. is so great that it is my priority to protect it to saviour it. tis is wat JEsus hv for us. im asking my da*n life back. for once i said please. help me out.

though tonite.worries.fatigue.hatred. anger.numb.stone.etc. * din say any goodbye to me. im fine.im fine with everythign * do.im nt gonna beg for anythign that u think is so rite to do. hw.hw can u b like this.so self-centred. plz God. tell* wat is luv actually. show me show *. where's * brain? at ur ass? cant * spend some time to think b4 * say? must * b so mean? so...well well well. my feelings r just some shit that is a waste for u to even put a lil effort to care of.all u do is just shit it out. and u're satisfy.u're satisfy for ur own good.ur own satisfacton. wanna f* * so dA*n badly. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

* owe me hell lots of things.nevr can repay. is scars. a scars that ruins my beautiful sanity essence. dirt dat cannot b cleanse.wounds that bled endlessly. pain that numbs up my soul my mind. the worst thing i never encountered. truth that is real that * tell. so obvious."truth! somethign that cant b deny.cant b false.bt....this.....backfired.....lieS....a whole new hope....being sheltered witht he wrong confession. burning immediately. living dead now. u're....)`= so cruel...cruel...cruel...*holdign fist titely*....chances given to u..im stupid..doesnt matter now... im clapping oni 1 hand. nth more to try..

left=memory, * , the most preciosu thigns * gave me(a disgusted smashed heart) ha ha ha =] so funny...(shake head)

im back

im back. phew! evrything turns out ok. there were so cold. satisfying! thick mist till u couldnt c anything. perform in the midnite 2dayz. 4times a day. wow a total of 8 times.exhausted but yet nervous.hehe. crazeD! weariing short skirts without jackets n the temeprature like so low. gotta perform.sweat bt couldnt feel the sweat.just felt like cant breath.though pay kinda lil bt think bout the food n tranportation n the experienced n world cup! guess it worth it lerh. italy won! well italy n france, hell no i dun support neither 1.bt well since is final. n brazil lose to france. i'll bet on italy! n they did nt dissapointed me.=] this is my first time i watch world cup.nt really into it.bt after watchign it n chasing those matches all day long. i think im gonna interested in the next world cup d.haha.the first day was starving. n we oni get to eat kei fan. which is nt dat full. n after dat gotta get ready.no supper! coz evryone's tired n din bath coz lazy. the first nite for me is unexpected. i msg * and * replied. been replying each toher msges for over n oevr again.so nice. bt as i edi noe, * will nt tok long. n yes. i din get any reply.*slept. i waited stupidly. bt ended up telling my roomates bout me n *. there's bit ere n there that i agree with her. bt sigh. anyhow.im so tired 2 keep thinking bout it anymore. all that i can do now is trying to let go. if not soon i'll give up myself coz of *.which is so not me. fren of mine said i've changed a lil.well yeah. i think so too. for * influenced me.ppl may tot is for the worst.bt no. i noe it betetr tahn anyone else. the oni thing i dunno and the lack of wisdom about is the reason why?. deep huh?..well is nt that deep actually. just need a lil explanation.no matter hw happy i was to get respond frm *. sooner or later. eh no.is oni sooner. * will take averything back again frm me. the 2nd day. was normal. did alot stupid thigns.mayb i wanna overlap my thoughts n let my mind rest n out of *. 3rd day was worries dat comes to me. hv to rush my homework.n yeah i shud b doing now.but then.im stuck. cant move on.so i spend this lil precious time.writing long crap.

after all the shit that i type out..thatz just intro.haha.*scratch that* now is the beggining!

ocoz today i shud tok bout today rite.

so there it goes....

tears and rain

suddenly..rains doesnt fall often..izzit time for everythign to end...nth left for me to flows out my tears anymore? izzit good? or bad? usually when im down..the rains will fall n camoflage my tears. i could cry hw long as i wanted. how loud as i can. shivers can help me to forget part of my sadness. imagining myself...standing alone in the ghetto. no one is there. rain drops on my eye ball. i shut my eyes so tight. i feel the flow of that droplet rushing in my nerve. like i start to reminiscing agian every single touch of it.wow! marvellous..actually i dunno wth im talking. well tmr gonna leave selangor again. so lonely. hangign out wif ppl dat i dun not actually closed to. worries that comes in my mind normally. i wanted to wirte a very long post..bt then...gosh...is 4.40am..im tired....so tired..iw anna sleep...ahha...till then....

i'm..

the situation now is getting more n more 'san fu'. i don't know what will happen next. mayb bit by bit, everything that hides within me will reveal or mayb it will end just like that. no reason no satisfaction. and im for sure regret.unsatisfy. how long more shall i walk at this pace? seems to be so slow. bt resulting very fast. y lerh. i wish my life is much more interesting than this. now, im hanging. i dunno where to go. i rather have string attached to me then be free to choose between those choices. when will my journey be no obstacle? it seems like obstacle overlapping another obstacle time after time. im so sick of my life now. dun wanna grow up.stress alot. strain aso alot. old lerh. getting old.bt nitez still young..to b honest, i dont know wat im saying now. every now and then i aso talkign the same thign lerh...bored rite..yeah i noe.basically nothign interesting lerh..is alwiz da same old things that bothering me..mayb when i got time i shall wirte a thoroughly 1..ahaha

thanks...

normally when i get sick, is the oni time i noe who cares alot bout me and who dont. i din get sick for quite sometimes. i hv good immune system. but once i totally fall ill. it'll b the worst. gosh i hate the cough medicine. is liquid! n taste bad. n yep after drinking it last nite about 5am i puke out. hate to puke..makes my stomach churning back n forth. oh God. have a 2 dayz MC..i hope i'll b ok by today or else i have damn alot of work to do ...urgh...nt a good time to get sick huh..

as dayz goes by.. i feel i gt no blessing frm God anymore..is getting lesser n lesser..the darkness mite hv take over my belief in Him..hw do i regain YOur presensce Lord..they took almost evryhting frm me..i got no1 to trust..no offense bt even my frenz..i begin to doubt..my family is ruined..sis wanted to shift out..dad have his own lifestyle..sis hv her bf..wat am i? mum is living in a lie too..just like me..frm past couple of mth..i tot mt life will change..i tot i did the rite things..bt no..again they took it away all frm me..hitting hard to the floor of Hell..my satisfaction will never last. do i looks o obvious dat im easy to b cheated coz i looks naive, gullible?! i just want my life back..bt i noe..can never turn back time..once im on this game.i cant retreat..coz is a dead end too...wat im gonna do is just move forward...n c watz lies ahead..well guess is nth to look forward though..its gonna b an unpleasant kinda route..

i miss alot of things..ocoz bsides the moment wif **..i miss my frenz too..good n bad times..we sought out together..we endure it togeda..

just few mins ago...** told me sumthing. y? i dun hv the rite to know somehtign frm u?. fuck u weyh..what did u said b4? oh yea..i forgotten..all the things u'd said is all bullshit for GOd sake..

sick=(

been sick since yesterday. really torturing and once i sick i seriously think alot of stuff. rite now my head totally is spinning round n round. bt still i want to blog something ere. last nite was definitely hard for me to sleep. after all the events i drove home. and it was a long n hard trip. slept almost the whole day till now. this morning finally decided to go c a doctor. cant take it anymore. burning in me. last nite aso, when everyone went to my grandma's hse for dinner, and i stayed home, rest n sleep, i was thinking about **. how i wish **'ll call me and ** realised that im sick. and then, **'ll came over take care of me. how stupid am i to think that way. ** wont give a damn on such things. i cried for a moment. the tears running down coldly along my hot and sizzling face. im nt telling lies. my body is burning. about 3 am i woke up. went online for awhile. hoping to c ** bt aso hoping nt to c **. and yeah ** din online.perhaps **'s ahving good time with ** frenz. feel like fainting as i tried to get up of my bed. miss my mum for she'll take glass fo water for me. i used all my strength to crawl out n get a glass of water.man! this is killing me. this tiem round, no1 is at home. well, i hope im still small. when sick, everone will b like so concerned n b there for u all the time. *shaking my head* i must learned to grow up. im so weak now.
nowadayz lotsa things cant b predicted.like world cup. who will ever expect brazil will b out of the final? hw sad it is.
** hv started to mention her ex name again n agian in front of me. i do not know what ** 's tryign to do or trying to potray. but one thing i realsied is that ** hv been keepign in touch wif **. this sometimes freaks me out totally. yeah im afraid. i dont have time to actually find my courage. there's loads of stuff that i wanna let ** know and to find the answer. bt i couldnt.i fear. im afraid. im insane. ive no courage to do so. im over sensitive. shudnt b that sensitive. i think alot. i hate it.

=)

"I'm not going anywhere my love. I'm right here for as long as you want me."
"You're not the only one who's afraid."
"You, you make me want to not be afraid."

-quotation taken frm elsewhere-

26/5/06

you're leaving soon. on 3 hrs time. i dont know why, today everything is making me heartache. ppl con me agian. im fed up pf it but i couldnt do anything. hw can i being so stupid. talking about stupid, u're even worse, why cant u understand wat i'm feeling rite now. i cant bare it no more. all i do today is just thinking of you. Raining this evening and all that's in my mind is you. if only u're outside waiting for me and came along with an umbrella. held me to the car. im so sad now & i miss you seriously. at th esame time i hate the way you treated me. hate the "friend" that what we're in now for the realtion between now. there's plenty of annoying and fucking Qt that i want to ask and i desperate to know. knowing that u're leaving me here and u're enjoying ur holsin just few hrs, makes me heartache once more and sore. im not sure if i should be contented or hurt when you actually said u're going off again nxt mth. i cant stand it anymore. i wanna cry. but u're online now asking me what i'm doing, i dont know wat to reply u. how i hope i can just stone here n you just go to sleep. the look on ur face tonite looks diff. u're glowing and im upset to know i showing such f'ng face to u. i seriously dont know hw to reply you. well, mayb my fren somehw have similarity. Lie is how we maintain relationship. bt im nt sure is these lies are for our own good or wat. being sensitive is nt who i am at the beginning. im selfish and i thought i can get over it after telling my mum. but its not. after few wks i failed myself again. i miss u so badly. i blame u're a liar. bt another side of me, u're not. im actually screwing up myself coz of you. its not ur fault coz im willingly to do so. let me endure the blame. for i noe that ur mum loves u and so do u. whats more, u;re the only child. dont screw up ur life, darling. im backing up, feeling the hurt myself every single seconds in my life.

how do u treat others? hw about ur ex? still gt contact her? what'z our relationship now? whatz so complicated? darling, thatz what i wanna noe. i soemtimes wonder if u're playing wif me. nt sure if u;re lonely thatz y u say u want me coz im like a replacement to ur ex. i dunno if it is true. i dont know seriously. where am i standing in ur opinion? who am i to you? i fucked up so much since i know u. u've changed my life to a better n aso to worse...bt i relly thank u coz u teach me alot of thigns. biggest mistake i ever made is to let my life cheated on me. i love you damn alot and hell im being this ewww 'mdt!' agian...!

if oni i never know u..

if oni i can b wicked...

if oni i can be cruel..

if oni..

if oni..

if oni..

whine..whine..whine.. & nth will ever chnaged or turned back time..fuck it!

i cant sleep thinking that u're leaving soon. i miss you til i do not care about what u think of me and that i ask u damn many qt like i wanna noe every single things u;re gonna do. it sounds annoying, irritating and u most probably wanna **** me.its so normal for you to take things so easily. neglecting me, i wont mind. for u, u;re alwiz right and u know if u dont like it, datz it, u'll never wanna like it. therefore, i know u wont give a damn on wat im up to& wat im whining about. this sometimes hurt me for i dont feel the care. and well who am i that deserve ** to care? im just a piece of dust.

exam sux

today got exam...i screwed it up...did so badly in my physics. i answered not even 1 quetsion. just scribble ere n there. overslept again. hate it so much. thought sleep for awhile but ended up forgot to set alarm clock again. as a results of that, i din study my econs n physics. die d. but at least econs i got go through topic 1 n 2. so is not as bad as physics. gosh seriously never have i din study at all for my exam. still scared n shocked. well already past.so just forget it. rite now i just wanna go out. i wanna go visit **. yep.**'s working today. wonder what **'s thinking now.tmr is some interesting day for me. i wish that ** could come n c me, support me. but **'s working. and all i can say is. i will b moody again.miss **.

17/6/06

last 2 dayz, we said nothing at all to each other. is alwayz lidet. nt consistent. whenever im gonna give up, only then you will appear again. you dont know how much i miss you & turn into anger. is funny to c hw u scolded ppl but if u r to act as if people is wrong, then why cant you take some times tot hink about us? you know what?! i really think that i'm a substitute for ur ex. i'll never be her. thus, u have never lose me. seriously, i think all the sincere and tru confessed towards me, is all bullshit. i fell in this trap. and holy shit, i cant seem to get out of it. u said that u wont think what's the future holds u. then...why do u think about it when it turns to our relationship? coz u doubt...n i doubted to...REcently, you've been so sucky. sometimes just feel like biting your lips to keep ur mouth shut. u're going on a trip again. gosh im so afraid.afraid u'll gonna have some1 better than me, afraid of u leaving me and all these shitty stuff. im going insane. im gonna miss u damn alot again. why must i be like this? when you feel bored, u find me.datz all that im worth now. can we be fren again? im nt sure. i just know that is really hard for me to look forward and ignore all the obstacle, trying as hard as i could to think that everything just normal, nothing happen. i got exam tmr.i dont dare to let u noe. if u think im stupid.well go ahead. im juts stupid to actually nt study n chat wit u online. i want to see you so badly. i want to c miracle soon.coz i believe. even seconds wit u, im more than enuf. im such a silly fool.ou said dat i shouldnt look down on myself. i wont anymore coz i will listen what you've said. i have watched the movie but since you wanna watch it. i'll never regret to watch again. but i'll definitely guilty to lie to u everyday just to have you concerned about me. the smells of you follow me all the time. when im totally in a f'ng situation in school. i think of you. den, everythings will just gonan b fien again. u r my strength and my soul. i will nt gonna forget you, bt i wont give up.u're d only 1 dat i will called..darling..oni u...even if the future i will hv some1 bt it'll alwiz urs..
what the hell did i do these dayz. crying for a person-like-me agian & again..useless fool